Brian Snitker Tells Press, ‘We’re Just Spotting the League a Head Start Like Gentlemen’
ATLANTA — With the Atlanta Braves sitting at a humbling 14–18 record to begin the 2025 MLB season, manager Brian Snitker finally addressed the media with the calm, composed demeanor of a man whose blood pressure hasn’t been normal since the bullpen gave up six runs to the Marlins last Tuesday.
“We’re not panicking,” Snitker said while slowly unwrapping a Werther’s Original. “We’re just spotting the rest of the league a head start. It’s gentlemanly. We’re not crazy.”
When pressed about the team’s sluggish offense, suspect rotation, and bullpen that seems to mistake save opportunities for improv challenges, Snitker remained composed.
“This is a long season. A 162-chapter novel. And we’re just writing a slow burn,” he explained, somehow mixing metaphors with coaching clichés like a veteran. “You think we want to win in April? That’s for try-hards and AL Central teams.”
Snitker then produced a laminated chart titled ‘The Braves Comeback Arc,’ which included:
- Losing series to teams with sub-.500 payrolls
- Public concern peaking in June
- Ronald Acuña Jr. hitting 14 home runs in a week around mid-July
- A 13-game win streak during a random West Coast road trip
- Clinching the NL East while the Mets implode again
“Trust the process,” Snitker added. “That’s what they say in basketball, right? We’ve applied that here. Except with more strikeouts and less defense.”
The Braves clubhouse appears to be fully on board with the “gracious underperformance” strategy.
“We’re just trying to keep things competitive for the league,” said Matt Olson, who is currently batting .212 and leading the majors in deep, contemplative sighs after strikeouts. “Nobody tunes in to watch domination. They want drama. We’re just giving the fans a slow-cooked redemption arc.”
Austin Riley, when asked if he was worried, shrugged while flipping a batting glove into the air. “We’re a second-half team. Some of us just forgot the first half started.”
Meanwhile, Ozzie Albies reportedly asked the trainer if he could start wearing a monocle and top hat to the plate “to sell the whole gentleman thing better.”
The Braves bullpen, whose ERA currently registers somewhere between “elevated” and “gas leak”, appears to be leaning into the chaos.
“We’re not blowing leads,” said one reliever who requested anonymity. “We’re manufacturing adversity. There’s a difference. You think Snit’d let us make it easy? We’re building character. Character builds chemistry. Chemistry wins titles.”
Analysts have noted that the bullpen now walks more batters than it strikes out, but according to team officials, that’s “just a philosophical shift away from toxic dominance.”
Across Braves Country, the fan base has moved from early-season optimism to gritty denial, now settling into a new phase called “desperate reinterpretation.”
“I just keep telling myself this is like 2021,” said local fan Donna Everett, clutching a half-empty souvenir cup from Acuña’s MVP campaign. “That team started slow. This one’s just…slower. And worse. But, y’know… poetic?”
Meanwhile, one fan was seen outside Truist Park trying to burn a foam tomahawk, but it refused to ignite, possibly out of solidarity.
When asked how the Braves plan to turn things around, Snitker offered a smile and a wink.
“We’ll get hot when it counts. Until then, enjoy the foreplay. Baseball’s a marathon, not a sprint. And sometimes you jog the first mile in reverse, just to flex.”
He then tipped an invisible hat to the press corps and muttered something about “respecting the illusion of parity.”
Whether this is a cunning strategy or just good old-fashioned underperformance wrapped in charisma remains unclear. But for now, the Braves remain firm in their belief that losing early is just winning… later.
