Interior Secretary Says All National Parks Will Be Renamed After Trump – Including Grand Canyon, Now ‘Trump’s Big, Beautiful Hole’

WASHINGTON — In a press conference held at the foot of a gold-plated bald eagle statue, Interior Secretary Carl Flagstone proudly announced the immediate rebranding of all 429 U.S. National Park Service sites to reflect “the greatness, largeness, and very legal handsomeness” of former president Donald J. Trump.

The most jarring change: Grand Canyon National Park will henceforth be known as “Trump’s Big, Beautiful Hole.”

“We felt it was time the parks reflected real American values: branding, excess, and selective memory,” said Flagstone, wearing a MAGA visor and khaki suit bedazzled with the Trump family crest. “The Grand Canyon is one of the largest holes in the world. And so is Mar-a-Lago if you dig beneath the pool cabanas. It just made sense.”

Trump himself celebrated the announcement via a half-hour monologue delivered at a Waffle House parking lot in Sedona, Arizona, where he gestured wildly toward the Canyon and repeatedly claimed credit for its creation.

“A lot of people don’t know this,” Trump said, “but the Canyon was very flat until I came along. I made it big. I made it classy. And now people look at it and say, ‘Sir, that’s the most luxurious depression in the Earth I’ve ever seen.’”

He then paused to sign a child’s forehead and autograph a copy of Atlas Shrugged someone had scribbled “TRUMP’S ENERGY PLAN” on in Sharpie.

Other renaming efforts are already underway. Among the changes:

• Yellowstone National Park → Trumpstone: The Hot, Gold One
• Yosemite National Park → YoTrumpy National Freedom Zone (Sponsored by Truth Social)
• Everglades → Trump Water Adventureland: Now With Less Regulation
• Arches National Park → Gateway to Winning: The Arches of Success

“These new names aren’t just about ego,” insisted Flagstone, visibly sweating through his camo tie. “They’re about rebranding nature for the free market. Why hike when you can ‘Trump Trek™’?”

Environmental groups called the rebrand “an insult to conservation, heritage, and basic cartography.” One Sierra Club spokesperson reportedly fainted after seeing a mocked-up trailhead sign for “Trump’s Golden Glacier of Truth.”

But supporters were thrilled.

“Finally, we don’t have to pretend Mount Rushmore isn’t missing a face,” said one attendee in a red foam cowboy hat shaped like a golf cart. “Put him on every mountain. Hell, rename the Mississippi. Trump River. Boom. History.”

A leaked memo from the Department of the Interior suggests upcoming changes may include:

• Allowing ATV races through protected habitats, “if the flag is big enough.”
• Replacing interpretive park rangers with holograms of Trump explaining how he “invented trees.”
• Turning the Appalachian Trail into “The Trump Endurance Walk”, with hourly Diet Coke stations and Truth Social checkpoints.

Final Thoughts from the Top

As the press conference ended, Trump looked out over the Grand Canyon—sorry, Trump’s Big, Beautiful Hole—and addressed the assembled crowd of loyal aides, confused tourists, and one bald eagle that may have been tranquilized.

“This is the most American thing I’ve ever seen,” he said. “Huge, majestic, a little dangerous, and somehow all about me. You’re welcome.”

Sources confirmed the next monument under consideration is Mount Trumpmore, a proposed 600-foot marble bust of Trump yelling at a weather map, to be built atop Denali.

Environmental review pending. Obviously.” but only “if the crystals feel aligned that day.”