WWE Champion John Cena Claims RKO Is Just a Cry for Help, Suggests Orton Try Journaling Instead
In a shocking post-attack interview following Monday Night Raw, newly crowned WWE Champion and existential life coach John Cena stunned fans with a deep, unsolicited psychological analysis of Randy Orton’s legendary finishing move.
“The RKO?” Cena said while holding the championship belt like it was a screaming infant. “It’s not a move. It’s a desperate cry for connection. Randy doesn’t want to win. He wants to be heard. And you know what? I hear him. Loud and viper-like.”
When asked if he was concerned about facing Orton at the upcoming premium live event WWE: Fully Actualized, Cena smiled gently, took a long sip from a thermos labeled “Tears of Weakness,” and replied:
“I don’t fear the RKO. I empathize with it. The man is clearly mid-spiral. I’d rather wrestle his inner child than his outer neck-snapper.”
Rather than prepare for the physical toll of one of the most devastating finishers in wrestling history, Cena has reportedly mailed Orton a 90-day guided journaling workbook titled “Strike Within: Finding the Apex Predator Inside Your Heart.”
“He’s been punting skulls since 2003 and for what?” Cena asked, wiping away a single invisible tear. “If he had just written three pages a day in a gratitude journal, Edge might still trust him.”
Cena has also challenged Orton to a “No Contact, All Conversation” match, in which the two will sit across from each other in folding chairs while asking increasingly personal questions until one emotionally breaks or calls their father.
WWE is reportedly workshopping the match type under the working title “Chair Therapy: First One to Cry Loses.”
When reached for comment, Randy Orton stared blankly into the distance, RKO’d a passing production assistant, and muttered, “I don’t journal, John. I hunt.”
He later posted a cryptic tweet reading simply:
“Orton is CandyLand.”
Experts have been debating whether it was a coded threat, a cry for help, or a recipe.
Many in the locker room are unsure what to make of Cena’s new approach to conflict resolution.
“Is this like a mid-life crisis? Or is he evolving? Emotionally or narratively?” said Seth Rollins, visibly wearing six layers of fringe and confusion.
Cody Rhodes, meanwhile, offered cautious optimism. “If anyone can make Randy talk about his feelings, it’s Cena. Or… maybe Bray Wyatt’s ghost. One of the two.”
In related news, Cena has debuted a new finishing move called “The Closure”, where instead of hitting an Attitude Adjustment, he gently places opponents on the mat, whispers, “You don’t have to prove anything to them,” and waits for the referee to count to three while the opponent sobs softly.
