WWE Releases Dozens of Superstars, Explains ‘We Simply Can’t Afford All This Talent and Also Logan Paul’s Real Jetpack’

“We had to make tough choices,” says executive while sipping from solid gold protein shaker.

In a move that stunned absolutely no one who’s been paying attention to WWE’s priorities, the company announced on May 2nd that it had released over a dozen superstars from its roster – citing “necessary cost-saving measures” despite simultaneously reporting record-breaking quarterly profits and a brand-new expense category labeled “Logan Paul Flight Gear.”

The internal memo, written entirely in corporate buzzwords and signed with a Vince McMahon emoji, stated:

“While we value each of our incredible athletes, we must remain financially agile in today’s sports entertainment ecosystem, especially when one of our part-timers requires a custom, diamond-encrusted personal launch system.”

The Jetpack in Question

The now-infamous Logan Paul Jetpack™, which debuted during WrestleMania 41 and cost a rumored $2.3 million, includes a champagne holster, built-in TikTok livestream rig, and something described by a source as “aerial brand synergy capability.”

“It was either keep 12 superstars or give Logan a pyro-trailing entrance that violates at least three FAA guidelines,” said one anonymous executive. “And frankly, have you seen the engagement on that reel? It paid for itself. Almost.”

When reached for comment, one released superstar said, “I was literally booked for a title feud next week. But hey, Logan Paul’s gotta fly.”

WWE fans immediately took to social media, first demanding answers, then vowing to cancel their Peacock subscriptions, before being distracted by a TikTok of Logan Paul shooting confetti from his boots while Ricochet eats a moonsault off a drone.

“I’m heartbroken,” said fan @SuplexDad77. “They cut real talent. Also, does anyone know where to get that jetpack, because my cousin’s wedding is next weekend.”

In a press conference where no questions were allowed, Triple H assured the public:

“This was not a reflection of anyone’s talent. It was simply a matter of making room—for more budget items like Logan’s anti-gravity cape, the 14K gold drone orb for Bad Bunny’s next appearance, and a Raw GM who can holographically project disappointment.”

He added that the company is exploring new cost-saving options, such as:

• Replacing backstage interviews with AI holograms of Cathy Kelley
• Booking 2-out-of-3-falls matches as a tax write-off
• Releasing everyone and just filming Logan Paul running laps around an empty ring for 90 minutes every Monday

In an attempt to soften the blow, WWE has offered the released talent 15% off WWE Shop purchases (excluding items featuring themselves) and a heartfelt “good luck” graphic that was generated in Canva by an unpaid intern.

When asked if Logan Paul felt any responsibility, he responded, “Wait—people got fired? I thought that was just part of my entrance.”

As for the remaining roster? They’ve been asked to cut back on ring tape, share gear bags, and stop requesting entrances that involve more than “a single spotlight and one sad trombone.”

Because after all, WWE is a business. And sometimes in business, you just can’t afford headlocks and jet fuel at the same time.