RFK Jr. Suspends All CDC Autism Studies, Says ‘I’ll Just Use My Gut and This One Documentary From 2006’

WASHINGTON DC— In a move that stunned scientists, educators, and several confused Labradoodles trained in scent detection therapy, newly appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has officially suspended all federally funded autism research conducted by the CDC, declaring the scientific method “kind of arrogant” and instead announcing plans to rely on his intuition and a grainy, emotionally-charged YouTube documentary from 2006.

“I’ve seen all I need to see,” Kennedy said at a press conference held in front of a wellness center made entirely of reclaimed kombucha barrels. “This documentary had dramatic music, a British narrator, and a mother crying in slow motion. You can’t peer-review emotion. And frankly, I think we’ve peer-reviewed too much.”

Career scientists at the Centers for Disease Control were reportedly blindsided by the announcement. Dr. Marcia Feldman, a 30-year veteran of epidemiological research, stared into her microscope for several hours after the briefing, whispering, “It was supposed to be evidence-based… he replaced the whiteboard with a vision board…”

According to sources, all current autism research grants have been frozen and reallocated toward a new RFK Jr. initiative called “Operation Gut Instinct,” which includes:

• A mood ring-based diagnostic tool
• An “intuitive science” internship program for Instagram wellness influencers
• A nationwide ban on data that “feels judgmental”

The film Kennedy cited as the cornerstone of his new policy is titled “Silent Shadows: The Truth They Don’t Want You To Autistically Know,” which features:

• 37 minutes of slow pans over vaccine packaging
• A man in a lab coat identified only as “Dr. Mike (Not a Doctor)”
• Several allegations, one animation, and zero citations

“I watched it while juicing,” Kennedy said. “I paused it to weep openly and reflect. That’s called holistic review. Scientists could learn something.”

RFK Jr. has introduced a suite of alternative diagnostic tools to replace outdated evidence-based approaches. These include:

• A pendulum that swings over a child’s snack choices to detect “neurofrequency blockages”
• Parental gut feelings, scored on a scale from “tingle” to “full body shudder”
• A “vaccine whisperer” hotline staffed entirely by former essential oil brand reps

He has also proposed a mandatory pamphlet titled “What If It’s All The Toxins, Though?” be issued with all birth certificates.

Reaction to Kennedy’s decision has been predictably erratic. Republicans were initially thrilled, until they realized it involved banning spreadsheets. Democrats were stunned into silence, unsure whether to criticize him or just gently roll him into a weighted blanket.

President Biden, when asked about Kennedy’s actions, responded:

“We gave him what job?”

Autism Advocacy Groups Respond

Autism organizations have condemned the move, calling it “dangerous,” “anti-science,” and “a policy decision based on feelings that belong in a Whole Foods Facebook group, not federal health strategy.”

In response, Kennedy offered to meet with them at “a healing meadow near Sedona,” but only “if the crystals feel aligned that day.”