Trump Promises to Release Epstein Files if Re-Elected in 2028, Along With Tupac’s Killer and the McRib Recipe

“This is the biggest combo meal in history,” says former president at Mar-a-Lago rally.

Palm Beach, FL — In a campaign rally that blurred the line between stand-up comedy, conspiracy TED Talk, and a late-night infomercial, Donald J. Trump announced his boldest re-election promise yet: If victorious in 2028, he will release the long-sought-after Epstein files, reveal the identity of Tupac Shakur’s killer, and finally declassify the top-secret McRib recipe.

Standing before a crowd of red-capped supporters waving signs that read “Make America Taste Again,” Trump laid out his vision for a second second term.

“They’ve been hiding things,” Trump said, pointing vaguely at the sky, the deep state, and an aide holding a Diet Coke. “Things they don’t want you to know. Epstein, Tupac, and that delicious rib-shaped meat product that’s not actually ribs. I know the truth. I’ve seen the truth. And if you vote for me again, I’ll share the truth — maybe even in a pay-per-view special.”

According to Trump, the Epstein documents — which have been the subject of relentless online speculation and zero actual release — are “thick, juicy, and full of famous names.”

“I have the names,” Trump said. “The biggest. The best. Some people you like, some people you don’t like, but all people you’ve probably tweeted about.”

Pressed by reporters as to why he hasn’t released the documents already, Trump said, “I was saving it. Like a good businessman. You don’t blow your whole marketing campaign on day one.” He added, “Besides, I might be in there, who knows? Could be a plot twist.”

Trump then pivoted to the 1996 murder of rapper Tupac Shakur, a topic not previously associated with his administration.

“People say we’ll never know who did it,” Trump said. “Wrong. I know. I was very close with Suge Knight. We talked about real estate. Lovely man. Very tough. I asked him once, straight up — ‘Who did it, Suge?’ And he told me. Just told me. Amazing moment.”

When asked for details, Trump waved it off: “I’ll tell you in 2029. Huge press conference. Very emotional. Probably in Vegas. We’ll bring in hologram Tupac. It’s gonna be beautiful.”

But perhaps the most crowd-pleasing part of the speech came when Trump promised to force McDonald’s to release the full McRib recipe, which has been tightly guarded since its debut in 1981.

“People are saying, ‘Mr. President, we love the McRib, but what is it?’” Trump declared. “And I say: It’s freedom. It’s meat. And in 2028, it’s back. But this time, permanently. Not just some seasonal tease.”

He then added, with gravitas: “We’re going to deregulate flavor.”

The crowd erupted in chants of “McRib! McRib! McRib!” as Trump tossed promotional rib-shaped stress balls into the audience.

Reactions have been mixed across the political spectrum. Democrats called the event “dangerous and unserious,” while moderate Republicans simply asked, “Can we just get roads fixed first?”

Online, the announcement has sparked frenzied speculation on Reddit, TikTok, and whatever version of Twitter still exists.

One user posted: “I was on the fence about voting again, but if he gives us Epstein, Tupac, and the McRib secrets? That’s the Holy Trinity.”

Another added: “If he finds out who killed Tupac and puts it in a Happy Meal, I’m in.”

Trump’s 2028 strategy appears to be leaning fully into the spectacle. Campaign aides reportedly debated whether to throw in the Area 51 alien files and the Colonel’s original KFC spice blend, but ultimately decided to “pace the reveals for maximum hype.”

A leaked internal memo reads:

“Americans don’t want policy. They want plot.”

As of now, McDonald’s has declined to comment, but sources inside the company say the fry cooks are “nervous.”

Ending the rally, Trump stood atop a golden podium shaped like a McRib sandwich, arms outstretched like a cross between Moses and Vince McMahon.

“Vote for me,” he bellowed. “And I will bring you everything they’ve kept from you. Epstein. Tupac. The McRib. You deserve the truth — and a tangy barbecue glaze.”

Analysts say it’s the most absurd campaign promise in history. But in 2028, that just might be a winning strategy.