Americans Celebrate Easter by Hiding Single Egg in Secret Offshore Account
NEWPORT, RI — This Easter, millions of Americans gathered not in grassy parks or flower-filled backyards, but on encrypted laptops and VPN-protected servers to participate in a new holiday tradition: hiding a single, painfully expensive egg in an offshore account.
With egg prices soaring past the GDP of some small nations, families have begun treating them less as breakfast items and more like assets requiring shell companies and legal disclaimers. The shift in tradition has been described by economists as “deeply concerning” and by everyday Americans as “honestly, just easier than explaining the cost of groceries to a 4-year-old.”
“We used to dye a dozen eggs with food coloring and glitter,” said Linda Watson, a mother of three from Ohio. “Now we label one free-range brown egg as ‘luxury poultry-derived commodity unit’ and wire it to a digital vault in the Cayman Islands.”
According to data from the Federal Bureau of Seasonal Inflation, the price of a single USDA Grade A egg has increased 823% since last Easter, driven by supply chain woes, avian flu outbreaks, and one hedge fund that mistook eggs for startup shares.
“It’s not about the hunt anymore,” said Tyler Jameson, 34, clutching a thumb drive in a small velvet pouch. “It’s about preserving value in a volatile market. My kids don’t even touch the egg. They just check its performance on the app.”
Indeed, a number of fintech startups have already jumped on the trend, offering services like:
- Yolkfolio – Track your egg’s net worth in real-time across global markets.
- ScramblBank – Convert eggs into crypto-backed NFTs with pastel-themed blockchain.
- EasterStash™ – Hide your egg in 12 different tax havens with a single tap.
Religious leaders have issued mixed responses to the shift in observance.
“The resurrection is about hope, not hedge funds,” said Reverend Carla Dempsey of First United Church in Tulsa. “But if someone wants to tithe in eggs this year, we’re not going to say no. We’ve got a lot of casseroles to make.”
Meanwhile, the White House responded to the egg crisis by announcing an “Easter Affordability Task Force,” made up of lobbyists, cartoon rabbits, and one guy who once ran a Whole Foods in Delaware. Their preliminary report recommends replacing egg hunts with “mindful ovoid visualization rituals” and has been promptly ignored.
In response to public concern, a Department of Agriculture spokesperson stated,
“The Easter egg is a symbol of rebirth. This year, it’s been reborn as a luxury commodity backed by Swiss bankers.”
At press time, Bloomberg reported that a single hard-boiled egg, dyed robin’s egg blue and adorned with a glitter cross, sold for $18,500 at auction to a 6-year-old from Connecticut whose family runs a hedge fund named Peep Capital.
