Breaking News: FDA Reclassifies E. Coli as a Probiotic to offset Recalls
In a bold move that has sent shockwaves through the scientific community and Whole Foods lovers alike, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced today that the infamous bacterium Escherichia coli—commonly known as E. coli—has been officially reclassified as a probiotic.
“After rigorous research and extensive lobbying from some rather unusual sources, we’ve come to the undeniable conclusion that it’s much easier to give E. coli deserves a second chance than it is to deal with all these recalls” said an FDA spokesperson during a press conference while sipping what appeared to be kombucha with a suspiciously murky sediment at the bottom. “We believe this is a step forward for the gut health revolution.”
A Gut Feeling Gone Wild
Long vilified as the villain behind food poisoning outbreaks and unsanctioned waterpark horrors, E. coli is now being embraced as the newest “it” microorganism in the health, wellness and scientific community. According to the FDA’s statement, “Certain strains of E. coli have shown potential benefits for gut microbiota diversity, intestinal fortitude, and an impressive ability to clear a room.”
Wellness influencers wasted no time jumping on the trend. Instagram was flooded with hashtags like #GutGoals and #EcoLife, accompanied by photos of mason jars filled with unpasteurized milk, labeled “100% artisanal E. coli ferment.” Meanwhile, TikTokers were chugging questionable “E. Shotz” and sharing their “detox” journeys, which largely involved hospital visits.
The Science (or Lack Thereof)
Critics have pointed out that the FDA’s decision coincides suspiciously with a recent study funded by the newly-formed E. coli Association for Public Relations and Yogurt Innovations (EAPRAYI). The study, titled “In Defense of Diversity: Why Your Gut Should Embrace Chaos,” argues that E. coli is unfairly maligned and simply misunderstood.
“Humans have a natural fear of what they don’t understand,” said Dr. Barry Gutman, the lead researcher and proud owner of a petri dish he affectionately calls “Betsy.” “E. coli just wants to be part of the microbial family. Sure, it occasionally shuts down a Chipotle, but who doesn’t have bad days?”
When asked about the strains of E. coli that cause kidney failure, Gutman shrugged. “Risk is part of life. You don’t ban roller coasters just because a few people throw up.”
What’s Next?
As the nation grapples with the implications of this reclassification, speculation abounds about what the FDA might tackle next. Will salmonella be repurposed as a weight-loss supplement? Will botulism become the next Botox?
Only time—and a lot of lawsuits—will tell. For now, Americans are left to decide whether they want to embrace this gut-wrenching trend or move to Scotland.
