CEO Retreats Into Panic Room After Barista Casually Mentions ‘Living Wage’

In a harrowing ordeal that lasted nearly seven minutes, billionaire CEO Charles Van Gleeson of retail conglomerate Cörpzon Inc. was forced to evacuate his favorite downtown coffee shop after a barista, identified only as “Travis,” casually uttered the phrase “living wage” during a conversation about oat milk.

The incident unfolded Tuesday morning when Van Gleeson, wearing his trademark Patagonia vest and anxiety, stopped by Grounds of Valor — a trendy, industrial-chic café frequented by the ultra-wealthy who enjoy pretending to interact with the working class.

Witnesses say the situation escalated quickly.

“He was asking for a custom turmeric espresso infusion with activated charcoal,” said barista Travis, 24, who holds a master’s degree in Environmental Ethics and $92,000 in student debt. “I told him we were short-staffed because one of our coworkers left to find a job that pays a living wage. That’s when he dropped his phone and started muttering something about ‘the fall of civilization.’”

Van Gleeson reportedly backed away from the counter slowly, clutching his $6,000 briefcase like a flotation device. According to customers, he whispered, “They’re unionizing… they’ve become self-aware,” before sprinting out of the café and diving into his waiting SUV, which immediately locked itself and drove 17 blocks to a secure underground panic room beneath Cörpzon headquarters.

Sources inside the company say Van Gleeson initiated Protocol Espresso Bravo — a rarely used corporate alert system designed for emergency exposure to empathy.

The panic room, constructed entirely out of reclaimed ivory and silence, is rumored to have limited oxygen to simulate what Van Gleeson calls “the feel of the free market.” It includes calming features like a repeating slideshow of quarterly earnings, AI-generated praise, and a fireplace that burns unsold union literature.

Cörpzon Inc. has since released a statement:

“Our CEO experienced a brief, targeted panic attack after an unsolicited exposure to socio-economic reality. We are reviewing our executive threat-response systems and reaffirming our commitment to imagining we care.”

Van Gleeson’s spokesperson later clarified that while the CEO supports “free speech in theory,” he prefers to exercise it in acoustically treated boardrooms where dissent is filtered out by an assistant named Kyle.

Meanwhile, Travis was suspended for three days for violating the café’s policy on “excessive honesty.” He has since been offered a book deal, a TED Talk slot, and several free drinks from grateful customers.

At press time, Van Gleeson was reportedly recovering with the help of a team of therapists, two private chefs, and a playlist of ambient stock market noises.