Donald Trump Announces Bold Plan to Colonize Jupiter: “The Biggest, Best Planet, Believe Me”

In a press conference that left scientists scratching their heads and Space Force generals nervously adjusting their ties, President-elect Donald Trump announced his most ambitious project yet: the colonization of Jupiter. “Jupiter is YUGE,” Trump declared to a stunned audience of reporters and space enthusiasts. “It’s the biggest planet in the solar system, which makes it the best. And it’s about time America claimed it.”

Mission MAGA: Make Astronomy Great Again

Trump, who has previously expressed skepticism about climate change and even the moon landing, assured the American people that his Jupiter plan was rooted in “big, tremendous science.” He unveiled a prototype of the “Trump Starliner,” a gilded rocket ship complete with gold-plated booster engines and his signature emblazoned on the hull. “NASA’s rockets are fine, but they’re not classy,” Trump said. “My rockets will have the best leather interiors. Astronauts deserve luxury too.”

The president-elect outlined his goals for Jupiter:

• First Priority: The Big Red Spot
  Trump referred to the planet’s iconic storm as “a real estate opportunity like no other.” He envisions transforming it into a luxury golf resort called Trump Jupiter National, complete with an interplanetary clubhouse and a driving range where players can tee off into the vastness of space. “No windmills ruining the view, folks. Just beautiful, endless gas.”
• Second Priority: Jobs, Jobs, Jobs
  As part of his vision, Trump promised that Jupiter’s colonization would create millions of jobs. “We’ll need miners, builders, rocket designers—hardworking Americans. No aliens allowed, by the way, unless they come legally through a big, beautiful space wall.”
• Third Priority: Rebranding the Planet
  “The name Jupiter is okay, but it’s not very catchy,” Trump mused. He proposed renaming it “Trumpiter,” arguing it would inspire future generations to dream big.

Scientists Raise Concerns

Experts have been quick to point out the challenges of colonizing Jupiter, a gas giant with crushing atmospheric pressure, no solid surface, and storms that could swallow Earth whole. “The physics are just… impossible,” said Dr. Janet Fields, a NASA astrophysicist. “Also, you can’t golf on a gaseous planet.”

Unfazed, Trump dismissed these concerns as “fake science.” “The haters said we couldn’t build a wall, and look at us now. Jupiter’s the same. We’ll figure it out.”

Funding the Jupiter Dream

Trump revealed that the project will be funded by a combination of private donations, taxpayer dollars, and a proposed “Jupiter Development Fee” to be applied to all imports from Mars. “The Martians have been taking advantage of us for years,” Trump claimed, though there is no evidence of trade relations with Mars. “It’s time we got something back.”

Additionally, Trump hinted at plans to partner with SpaceX’s Elon Musk. “Elon’s a great guy, smart guy,” Trump said. “But let’s be honest, his rockets don’t have my branding.”

Reactions from Around the World (and Beyond)

World leaders have responded to the Jupiter announcement with varying degrees of incredulity. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau called it “ambitious, to say the least,” while Russian President Vladimir Putin offered his congratulations, noting that he too has “plans for Saturn.” Meanwhile, French President Emmanuel Macron simply sighed, muttered something about “the Americans,” and took a sip of wine.

Even the alien community weighed in. A representative from the Galactic Federation issued a statement: “We urge Earth’s leaders to focus on fixing their own planet before attempting to colonize others. Also, gas giants are off-limits per intergalactic treaties.”

Looking to the Stars

When asked about a timeline for the project, Trump was characteristically optimistic. “We’ll have Americans on Jupiter in two, maybe three years,” he said. “It’s going to be tremendous. And when we do it, it’ll be the greatest space colony in history. Everyone’s going to want to live there.”

As the press conference wrapped up, Trump concluded with a message for the American people: “Jupiter is just the start. After that, we’re going to the stars, folks. And we’ll do it better, faster, and classier than anyone else. Believe me.”

The room was silent for a moment, before a lone voice in the back whispered, “Did he just declare war on Saturn?”