Elon Musk Offers to Mediate Middle East Conflict Using Poll Feature on X

MENLO PARK, CA — In a bold move that experts have described as “spectacularly unserious,” billionaire entrepreneur and part-time meme curator Elon Musk announced Monday that he intends to resolve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict by hosting a public poll on X, formerly Twitter, because “people love democracy, especially when it’s crowd-sourced and totally unregulated.”

Standing in front of a wall of touchscreen monitors displaying Dogecoin prices and 4K footage of him looking thoughtful in sunglasses, Musk explained his vision for peace.

“Why haven’t we just let the people decide?” Musk asked rhetorically, before answering himself. “Because no one had the courage to do it in 280 characters or less — until now.”

The poll, simply titled “Middle East: Settle It?”, included the following options:

• Option A: One state, but it’s Mars
• Option B: Two states, but everyone gets a Tesla
• Option C: Free speech
• Option D: Whatever Joe Rogan says on his next episode

Within 30 minutes of going live, the poll had over 11 million votes, mostly from Musk fan accounts, bot networks, and several confused retirees in Florida who thought they were voting for a new season of The Masked Singer.

The post was immediately flagged by several international observers, who noted that using a social media app owned by a man who once tried to fight Mark Zuckerberg in a cage may not be “the most stable forum for diplomacy.” A UN representative responded to the initiative by blinking slowly and muttering, “We have got to get off this planet.”

Palestinian and Israeli officials were reportedly blindsided by the poll and expressed confusion over why their decades of nuanced negotiations had been reduced to a Twitter bracket. Sources close to the talks say the only thing both sides could agree on was muting Musk’s account.

Nevertheless, Musk pressed on. “We’ll announce the winner at 4 a.m. Pacific Time, after I’ve tweeted six conspiracy theories and insulted a journalist,” he said.

In a follow-up post, Musk teased that the results of the poll would be “binding unless I change my mind,” and that peace negotiations would take place in a Twitter Space hosted by a guy named CryptoBen who sells vitamins out of his Tesla trunk.

Later in the day, when asked about the ethics of crowdsourcing a solution to a deeply entrenched humanitarian crisis, Musk responded, “Look, I fixed the blue checkmark system. This is basically the same thing.”

At press time, Option D — “Whatever Joe Rogan says” — was narrowly leading the poll, though experts warn the results may be influenced by a sudden surge in votes from burner accounts registered to Musk’s Vegas tunnel office.

As of now, the world waits anxiously for the results, while Musk has already moved on to his next act of self-importance: announcing plans to host peace talks between Taylor Swift and Kanye West live from a SpaceX launch pad.