Federation Security Report Finds Holodecks Account for 72% of Workplace Incidents, 100% of Weird Vibes

STARDATE 90815.4 — SAN FRANCISCO, EARTH — A newly declassified report from Starfleet Security has confirmed what most crew members already suspected but were too traumatized or polite to say out loud: holodecks are responsible for an overwhelming majority of shipboard accidents, interpersonal conflict, and unexplained tension.

The 94-page report — titled “Holographic Hazard Zones: When Leisure Becomes Lethal” — analyzed incident logs from 237 Federation starships, 14 starbases, and one emotionally exhausted deep space outpost. Among its findings:

• 72% of non-combat workplace incidents originated inside or immediately adjacent to holodecks
• 100% of surveyed crew described holodecks as giving off “weird vibes”
• 85% of counseling appointments began with the phrase, “So I walked in on Commander [REDACTED] in the holodeck, and…”

“It’s become a running joke in Engineering,” said Lt. Commander Shaan Weller, a warp core specialist aboard the USS Montgomery Scott. “If someone comes in covered in glitter, bruises, and existential doubt, we don’t even ask. We just say, ‘Holodeck again?’ and hand them a hypo.”

Common holodeck-related incidents include:

• Sudden program sentience and demand for civil rights
• Historical reenactments that spiral into live combat
• “Recreational espionage” that ends in real-world concussions
• Officers using programs to rehearse awkward conversations with crushes who also work on the bridge
• One recurring case involving a Cardassian romance novel with very detailed temperature settings

Starfleet Security Chief Admiral Kella Norr issued a statement:

“Holodecks were intended for stress relief, training simulations, and tasteful historical exploration. Instead, they’ve become sentient escape rooms where trauma goes to cosplay. And no, the system can’t just delete it all. Someone always makes backups.”

The report also highlighted a growing trend among junior officers: entering the holodeck for “just five minutes” and emerging four hours later emotionally compromised, sweat-soaked, and unable to explain why they now hate Sherlock Holmes.

“It’s the vibes,” said Ensign Jerrika Luntz, sipping tea and staring into the middle distance. “You go in for archery, and somehow you’re in a noir detective simulation where your ex is the main suspect and the murder weapon is your mother’s voice.”

In response to the findings, Starfleet Command has proposed a series of reforms, including:

• Mandatory holodeck usage logs with weekly reviews by HR
• Limits on the number of dramatic backdrops allowed per program
• A “Do Not Enter” light that actually means something
• New rules forbidding more than three unresolved daddy issues per character simulation

Despite the proposed safeguards, many officers remain skeptical.

“You think you hate the holodeck?” said Lt. Mar T’Rel, a Vulcan security officer. “I have to go in and shut it down when someone forgets to exit. I once found Commander Hark in a 1950s diner program weeping into a root beer float while arguing with a projection of his late hamster. He made eye contact with me.”

At press time, four senior officers aboard the USS Temerity were trapped in a malfunctioning holodeck scenario titled “Victorian Beach Party But With Klingons,” and refusing rescue until the simulation “completed its emotional arc.”

Starfleet Command has reassured the public that it remains “committed to the ethical use of holographic technology,” even as several admirals were discovered using their private holodecks to “process leadership stress” through ballroom dancing and yelling at their holographic fathers.