Hulk Hogan Nominated Secretary of Homeland Security by President-Elect Donald Trump: A Slam-Dunk for America’s Security?

In a move that has the political and wrestling worlds simultaneously body-slamming their collective jaws into the mat, President-elect Donald Trump has nominated none other than the immortal Hulk Hogan as the next Secretary of Homeland Security. The announcement was made during a surprise press conference at Madison Square Garden, where Trump—flanked by Hogan, a giant American flag, and a life-sized golden statue of Macho Man Randy Savage—declared, “When it comes to protecting our borders and slamming bad guys, there’s no one better than my good friend, the Hulkster.”

The Hulkster’s Homeland Plan

Hogan, famous for his red and yellow ring attire and penchant for ripping shirts in half, wasted no time outlining his vision for the Department of Homeland Security.

• Border Security “Hulkamania Style”
  Hogan revealed plans for a 30-foot steel cage wall along the southern border. “And let me tell you something, brother,” he roared, flexing his biceps for the cameras, “no one’s climbing over this cage unless they’ve been training with Andre the Giant in the squared circle!”
• Transportation Security Administration (TSA) Reforms
  The Hulkster also vowed to make airport security “more fun and less hassle” by replacing pat-downs with arm wrestling contests. “If you want to bring that extra toothpaste tube on board, you gotta beat TSA Hulkamaniacs in a test of strength!”
• Cybersecurity Initiatives
  When asked about cybersecurity, Hogan promised to unleash a new team of “digital warriors” led by former tag team partner, Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Their mission? To “cut the malware right out of our systems, brother.”

Critics Sound Off

Reactions to Hogan’s nomination have been as divided as WrestleMania audiences debating the merits of the nWo era. Senator Mitch McConnell expressed cautious optimism, saying, “If Hogan can unify the DHS the way he did the WWF locker room in the ’80s, we might actually be okay.”

Others are less convinced. Pundits have questioned Hogan’s qualifications, noting that his only experience in “homeland defense” involved a series of failed attempts to body-slam Big John Studd and a short-lived stint in Thunder in Paradise. “It’s like appointing The Undertaker to lead the Environmental Protection Agency,” said one anonymous critic. “Actually, wait—that might make more sense.”

Support from the Wrestling World

Hogan’s wrestling peers have largely supported the move. Ric Flair issued a statement, saying, “Woooo! Hogan can keep America safe just like he kept his title reigns intact—by never losing clean!” Meanwhile, Vince McMahon praised the nomination as “the biggest crossover event in history.”

Even Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, rumored to be eyeing a 2028 presidential run, chimed in on Twitter: “Congrats to @HulkHogan! Finally, the People’s Homeland Secretary. Just don’t start cutting promos on Canada.”

A Cabinet Unlike Any Other

Hogan’s nomination has set the tone for a cabinet full of surprises. Other rumored appointments include Randy Savage as Secretary of State (posthumously via hologram), Ted DiBiase as Secretary of the Treasury (“Everyone’s got a price!”), and The Ultimate Warrior to head the Environmental Protection Agency (“Because no one runs through a jungle like he did, brother!”).

As the nation braces for Hogan’s confirmation hearings, one thing is clear: America’s enemies are going to have a hard time standing up to the atomic leg drop of justice. When asked for final comments, Hogan flexed dramatically and shouted, “What’cha gonna do, bad guys, when Hulkamania runs wild on YOU?!”

It’s a brave new world, brother.