Linda McMahon’s Plans Leaked: Valedictorian Decided by Ladder Match, Salutatorian Gets the Chair

Washington, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move designed to “inject excitement and intensity” into America’s education system, newly appointed Education Secretary Linda McMahon announced her first sweeping reform: determining valedictorians through ladder matches, with the runner-up earning the dubious honor of being “Salutatorian Gets the Chair.”

At a press conference held in an elaborately staged wrestling ring set up in front of the Department of Education, McMahon explained her vision to a crowd of bemused journalists and slightly terrified school administrators.

“Why settle for boring GPAs when we can electrify our schools?” McMahon asked. “Education isn’t just about learning; it’s about competition, drama, and big-time entrances. The ladder match format teaches students critical life skills like agility, teamwork, and overcoming chairs to the back of the head.”

The Valedictorian Ladder Match

The newly minted “Climb for Knowledge” initiative will replace traditional academic metrics with a no-holds-barred contest held in each school’s gymnasium. Participants will fight to grab their diploma, which will be suspended 20 feet in the air above a custom-branded WWE ladder. The winner earns the title of valedictorian, while the runner-up receives a commemorative folding chair to “take with them to college or the ER.”

Guidance counselors will now double as referees, ensuring that every ladder match adheres to the rules—or as McMahon clarified, “guidelines, because rules are for losers.”

Salutatorian Gets the Chair

For those concerned about fairness, McMahon unveiled the “Salutatorian Gets the Chair” policy, where the second-place finisher is ceremoniously struck with a steel chair at graduation. “This way, we honor their resilience and let them take a piece of the ceremony with them—on their face,” McMahon quipped, to scattered applause from her entourage of professional wrestlers.

McMahon also suggested that this reform is an equalizer. “Some students might struggle in calculus but excel in choke slams. We’re just expanding what we value in education.”

Other Reforms on the Horizon

The ladder match isn’t the only WWE-inspired reform McMahon has in store:

• “Royal Rumble for Class President”: Candidates will battle it out in an over-the-top-rope elimination match. Last student standing gets to lead the student council.
• “The Detention Cage Match”: Students with multiple tardies will serve detention in a steel cage. “If you’re late, you’ll learn to grapple with responsibility,” McMahon stated.
• “Teacher’s Title Belt”: Educators will now compete for a championship belt, awarded to those who deliver the most electrifying lesson plans and can also execute a convincing figure-four leglock.
• “Field Trips to Suplex City”: The Department plans to fund excursions to WWE’s training facility, where students will study physics through powerbombs.

A Mixed Reaction

Critics have questioned the feasibility of these reforms. “We need a system that prioritizes academic achievement, not body slams,” said Dr. Regina Harper, a spokesperson for the National Education Association. “This policy is both impractical and likely illegal in several states.”

Students, however, have expressed enthusiasm. “This is way better than boring tests,” said junior Devon Martinez, already practicing his entrance music for the upcoming ladder match. “I’m going to climb that ladder, grab that diploma, and dropkick anyone who gets in my way.”

The Future of Education or the Bottom Rope?

While Linda McMahon’s reforms may spark debate, one thing is clear: the Education Department hasn’t been this exciting—or this ridiculous—since its inception. As McMahon concluded her press conference with an actual mic drop, she left the nation with one parting thought:

“America’s schools aren’t failing. They’re just waiting for a rematch. Ding ding!”

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