Man Excited for Warmer Weather, Forgets He Still Can’t Afford to Go Outside
PITTSBURGH, PA — As temperatures crept into the low 70s this week and birds began chirping with a tone that suggested hope and mild anxiety, local resident Devin Carter briefly experienced a burst of seasonal optimism — before remembering that the outside world still costs money.
“I was standing by the window, sipping store-brand coffee and looking out at the sun,” said Carter, 31, who works three part-time jobs and once got denied for a $500 credit card. “And for a second, I thought, ‘Man, I should go out and do something today.’ Then I remembered that breathing outdoors now has a $10 cover.”
Devin reportedly made a short list of affordable spring activities, which included walking, jogging, “just vibing in the park,” and possibly touching grass. However, after factoring in gas prices, $4 convenience store water, and the psychological toll of watching rich people jog in matching outfits, he decided to remain indoors and stare at his phone until dinner.
According to a recent report from the Economic Discomfort Index™, the average cost of a “fun, chill afternoon” in America has risen to approximately $86, even if you don’t buy anything and only pretend to enjoy nature.
“The sun may be free, but everything under it is subject to surge pricing,” said Dr. Latasha Mendes, a behavioral economist and indoor-activities advocate. “Spring used to mean lemonade stands and frisbees. Now it’s just seasonal depression with better lighting.”
Carter briefly considered inviting friends over for a backyard hangout, until realizing that even hosting is a financial risk.
“You think it’s casual,” he said. “But then someone shows up with craft beer, someone else asks for vegan snacks, and suddenly you’re $60 deep in a ‘chill afternoon’ that ends with you cleaning hummus off a patio chair you don’t even own.”
To make the most of spring without spending any money, Carter says he’s developed a personal ritual he calls “Near-Outside Recreation.” It involves opening one window, scrolling through photos of nature, and occasionally whispering, “Damn, that breeze hits different.”
Experts warn this trend is on the rise. With outdoor dining now reserved for people with disposable income and hiking trails filled with people doing TikTok lives sponsored by electrolyte powder, many Americans are turning to alternative forms of spring joy — like watching others enjoy the weather on Instagram and pretending it doesn’t make them irrationally angry.
“You don’t really need to be outside to experience the season,” said Carter. “Just crank the thermostat, spray some Febreze that smells like fresh-cut grass, and imagine what it would be like to afford a picnic.”
At press time, Carter was seen leaning against the window with his eyes closed, listening to a 10-hour YouTube video titled “Spring Forest Ambience with Distant Laughter and Financial Stability.”
