Nation’s Churches Ask Congregants to Tithe in Eggs Instead of Cash

SPRINGFIELD, MO — In a holy pivot inspired by inflation and a national egg crisis that now requires divine intervention, churches across the United States have begun encouraging parishioners to tithe in fresh, cage-free brown eggs instead of traditional cash donations.

“The Lord provides,” said Pastor Glen Withers of First Redemption Fellowship, “but Costco doesn’t. So now we’re taking what matters — and that’s large brown, preferably organic.”

The shift comes after church leaders noticed a steep drop in monetary offerings and a steep rise in whispers like “Do you think the pastor accepts Venmo?” and “What if I just bake something instead?”

But brown eggs — now valued somewhere between silver and small electronics — have become the currency of the righteous.

“They’re wholesome. They’re tangible. And let’s be honest, they’re worth more than the U.S. dollar right now,” said Sister Patricia Helmsley, treasurer of St. Margaret’s Cathedral and head of the newly established “Egg Counting Ministry.”

During a recent Sunday service, ushers passed wicker baskets lined with hay, into which worshippers gently placed their offerings of protein-packed blessings. Some even brought their eggs in decorative cartons with hand-calligraphed Bible verses.

“It’s like we’ve gone back to the book of Acts,” said Deacon Harold Morris, cradling a dozen brown eggs like sacred relics. “Except now instead of loaves and fishes, it’s omelets and quiche.”

While most congregations have embraced the change, others are struggling with ethical dilemmas:

• Are white eggs acceptable if they’re locally sourced?
• Does the Lord prefer pasture-raised?
• Can someone tithe in deviled eggs if they’re presented reverently?

Some wealthier members have taken things too far. One family in Nashville reportedly delivered their tithe in the form of a Fabergé egg filled with farm-fresh ones, prompting the pastor to request that “we dial back the pageantry and just stick with grade A.”

Meanwhile, prosperity gospel preachers are leaning in hard.

“If you sow a dozen eggs into this ministry today,” one Texas televangelist shouted during a livestream, “God will return it to you tenfold. That’s a hundred and twenty eggs — a miracle scramble!”

The IRS has yet to release guidance on whether egg-based offerings are tax deductible, though one official said off the record, “Honestly, we’re just trying to survive on oatmeal like everyone else.”

In response to the shift, Hobby Lobby has launched a new product line: Scripture-Cartons™, featuring verses like “Cluck Unto Others” and “Egg Shall Be Given Unto You.”

At press time, several churches were seen installing refrigerators in their narthexes and announcing new community outreach events such as Egg Swap Sundays, Yolk & Hymn Nights, and the slightly controversial “Shell Us With Your Blessings” campaign.