New Study Finds Most Americans Unaware They’ve Been Holding Breath Since March 2020

ATLANTA, GA — A groundbreaking study released today by the National Institute for Lingering Trauma has found that nearly 92% of Americans have, without realizing it, been holding their collective breath since approximately mid-March 2020.

“We expected elevated stress levels,” said Dr. Marissa Lang, lead researcher on the study. “What we didn’t expect was that most Americans are one minor inconvenience away from passing out like a fainting goat at a tax seminar.”

The study, which tracked respiratory patterns, anxiety spikes, and eye-twitch frequency in over 5,000 participants, discovered that the average citizen has been operating in a state of semi-permanent bracing since the phrase “two weeks to flatten the curve” was still fresh.

“We noticed people weren’t breathing—they were doing a weird, shallow chest-squeeze thing,” said Dr. Lang. “It’s less ‘in-and-out’ and more ‘I’ll just wait until everything’s fine again.’”

The research also found that most Americans have no plans to exhale anytime soon.

“What if I breathe out and then gas goes to $9 again?” asked Todd M., 42, while visibly vibrating during a Zoom interview. “I don’t wanna be caught off guard. I’m keeping it tight until I know what year it is.”

Participants cited a wide range of reasons for their prolonged breath-holding, including:

• Constant background fear
• The political climate
• Wildfires, hurricanes, and murder hornets
• Working 60 hours a week
• The haunting sound of Slack notifications while showering
• Meetings

The study also noted that brief, accidental exhales were often triggered by things like:

• Your friend saying “Let’s just see how it goes”
• A 2-minute break between crises
• Looking at a puppy on Instagram and briefly remembering joy

To address the crisis, several wellness influencers have already launched programs encouraging Americans to breathe again. One app, “inhaleXR,” charges $14.99 a month to remind you to inhale every Tuesday. Meanwhile, Goop has released a $219 “Post-COVID Exhalation Crystal,” which allegedly helps you process trauma and clear your sinus chakras.

Not to be outdone, the Biden Administration has pledged to form a Breath Equity Task Force, though sources inside the Department of Wellness say the rollout is delayed due to everyone holding their breath about the next election.

Dr. Lang warns that, left unaddressed, this breath-holding phenomenon could become permanent.

“If we don’t get this under control, we risk becoming a society of slightly dizzy people with terrible posture and deeply repressed feelings. Actually… we might already be there.”

At press time, a public health campaign had begun testing a slogan across digital billboards and cereal boxes:
“It’s Okay. You Can Breathe Now… Maybe. We Think. Just Keep Your Mask Handy.”