President Biden Pardons Smokey Bear Amid GOP Allegations of Forest Crimes

Washington, D.C. — In a move that has left Republicans fuming and late-night comedians scrambling for punchlines, President Joe Biden officially pardoned Smokey Bear on Thursday, absolving the iconic mascot of all alleged crimes the GOP insists he might have committed.

Smokey, famous for his fire prevention campaigns, has recently been at the center of a growing conspiracy theory within conservative circles. Some GOP lawmakers claim the bear has been secretly involved in an elaborate forest arson-for-profit scheme dating back decades.

The Allegations

House Republicans, led by Rep. Ron Timber (R-Montana), have accused Smokey of being part of a “deep-woods state conspiracy” to manipulate wildfire statistics.

“Let’s look at the facts—or at least the ones I’ve imagined,” Timber declared during a recent press conference. “We’ve seen forests burn, Smokey Bear nearby, and yet no accountability. Coincidence? I think not.”

Timber also presented blurry photos of a bear-shaped figure near a campfire as “definitive proof,” claiming the mascot’s “Only You” slogan is coded messaging to absolve himself of responsibility.

Biden’s Pardon Ceremony

President Biden, appearing alongside Smokey Bear in the White House Rose Garden, dismissed the allegations as “ridiculous” while acknowledging the bear’s decades of public service.

“Come on, folks. Smokey’s been out there telling people to prevent forest fires since I was a kid. If we start blaming the guy in the ranger hat, what’s next? Accusing Big Bird of election tampering?” the president quipped.

Smokey, ever stoic, nodded solemnly as Biden signed the pardon, then offered a paw for a handshake, which Biden enthusiastically accepted.

“This bear has done more to protect America’s forests than any of those loudmouths in Congress,” Biden added. “And let me tell you, he does it without a Twitter account. That’s what I call public service.”

GOP Outrage

Republican leaders immediately condemned the pardon, with House Speaker Kevin McCarthy calling it “a gross abuse of executive power.”

“Smokey Bear has been operating unchecked for decades, using taxpayer dollars to spread anti-campfire propaganda,” McCarthy said in a fiery speech on the House floor. “The American people deserve answers, not a free pass for a bear who thinks he’s above the law.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene went a step further, claiming without evidence that Smokey Bear has ties to Antifa and the World Economic Forum. “Wake up, America. This bear is part of the globalist agenda to turn our forests into socialist communes!” Greene tweeted, alongside a doctored photo of Smokey holding Karl Marx’s Das Kapital.

The Public Responds

The American public remains divided over the controversy. While many view Smokey as a beloved national symbol, others are now questioning his motives.

“I used to trust Smokey,” said Greg Henderson, a camper from Idaho. “But then I heard he might be lighting fires just to put them out. That’s arson, plain and simple. Who watches the watchbear?”

Others see the GOP’s allegations as absurd. “They’re really going after a bear now? What’s next, subpoenas for the Charmin Bears?” asked Karen Sullivan, a park ranger from California.

Smokey’s Future

Smokey Bear declined to comment on the allegations but released a brief statement through his legal team:

“I have spent my life educating the public about fire safety and protecting our forests. These baseless accusations only distract from the real issue: climate change. Also, I don’t even have opposable thumbs, so lighting a match is physically impossible.”

In the wake of the pardon, Smokey is reportedly planning to continue his advocacy work, though some sources claim he is considering retirement after “this unbearable nonsense.”

A Final Smolder

As the nation debates whether Smokey Bear is a forest hero or a scapegoat for partisan theatrics, President Biden remains firm in his decision.

“Look, folks,” Biden said as he patted Smokey on the back. “The only crime this bear’s committed is stealing America’s heart. And maybe a few picnic baskets—but hey, that’s a different bear!”

Meanwhile, the GOP has vowed to launch a full investigation, promising to leave no tree unshaken in their quest for answers—or airtime.

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