President-Elect Donald Trump Declares War on Romulus After Late-Night Star Trek Binge

In an unprecedented announcement that has left both political analysts and Trekkies in disbelief, President-elect Donald Trump revealed his intention to launch a preemptive strike on Romulus, citing its “aggressive posturing” and “fake cloaking technology.” The bold declaration reportedly came after Trump spent an entire weekend binge-watching episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

“Romulus has been a problem for too long,” Trump declared during a press briefing, holding up a DVD box set of Season 3 & 4 as evidence. “The Romulans are sneaky, they’re dangerous, and they’re making deals with Klingons, folks. It’s a disaster, believe me.”

War Plans Straight Out of the Neutral Zone

Trump’s detailed plan to “neutralize Romulus” involves mobilizing the newly minted Space Force. “We’ll be the biggest and best intergalactic power,” Trump stated, before promising that his administration would unveil “warp-speed capabilities” by the end of his first term.

Key points of Trump’s Romulan strategy include:

• Defunding the Neutral Zone Treaty
  “The Neutral Zone? Terrible deal. The worst,” Trump said. “We’re paying to keep this imaginary border, and what are we getting? Nothing. Just Romulans sneaking around with their cloaked ships. That ends now.”
• A Space Wall
  Trump proposed constructing a “big, beautiful wall” in space to protect Earth and its allies from Romulan incursions. “And let me tell you, we’re going to make Romulus pay for it,” he added confidently. When reporters pointed out that Romulans are fictional, Trump brushed it off, saying, “We’ll find a way. They’re rich—they have all that dilithium.”
• Reclaiming Geordi La Forge
  The president-elect also vowed to rescue Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge, whom he referred to as “a very smart, very talented guy who’s been treated terribly by the Romulans.”

Starfleet Experts Weigh In

The announcement has left actual scientists, as well as die-hard fans of Star Trek: The Next Generation, scratching their heads. Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson tweeted, “Romulus isn’t real. Someone please explain this to the President-elect.”

Meanwhile, Star Trek alumni have voiced their concerns. Patrick Stewart, who portrayed Captain Jean-Luc Picard, issued a statement saying, “This is why we can’t have nice things. And by ‘nice things,’ I mean basic understanding of science fiction.”

Even William Shatner chimed in, tweeting: “Romulus? Trump should worry more about Khan.”

Allies Cautiously Supportive

World leaders offered mixed reactions to Trump’s declaration. Russian President Vladimir Putin expressed tentative support, saying, “If Trump wants to attack imaginary planets, that’s fine. Just stay out of Vulcan. It’s mine.” Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, however, diplomatically avoided the topic, stating, “Canada prefers to focus on real-world issues. Like healthcare.”

The United Nations has called an emergency meeting to discuss the implications of a member state declaring war on a fictional entity. “This may set a dangerous precedent,” said one anonymous delegate. “What’s next? Sanctions on Mordor?”

Romulans Respond

Although fictional, the Romulan Star Empire issued a statement through a Star Trek fan group on Reddit, declaring Trump’s actions “illogical” and “a blatant violation of interstellar law.” One commenter, identifying as a Romulan diplomat, wrote, “Earth’s leadership is clearly unfit for Federation membership. We demand reparations in gold-pressed latinum.”

A New Space Race?

Trump’s war plans have sparked renewed interest in space exploration, with Elon Musk’s SpaceX immediately announcing plans to develop “Romulan-proof” technology. Musk later tweeted, “If Trump wants to fight Romulus, SpaceX can help. Also, warp drive is coming in 2028. You heard it here first.”

NASA, on the other hand, issued a press release stating, “We would like to remind the public that Star Trek is a work of fiction and Romulus does not exist. Also, please stop calling us about cloaking devices.”

A Final Frontier for Trump?

While Trump’s plans to attack Romulus may seem far-fetched, his base has rallied behind the idea, with chants of “Make the Federation Great Again!” echoing at rallies. Supporters have taken to social media, sharing memes of Trump sitting on the captain’s chair of the USS Enterprise, boldly going where no politician has gone before.

As the press conference concluded, Trump offered a cryptic warning to other extraterrestrial powers: “The Romulans are just the beginning, folks. The Borg? Overrated. Q? A loser. And Vulcans? I’m not saying they’re bad, but they’ve got a lot of problems. Believe me.”

The galaxy waits nervously, wondering what—or who—Trump will take on next. Live long and prosper, Earth. You’re going to need it.