Report: World’s Last Person Without a Smartphone Thinks Everyone Else Is Just ‘Really Good at Directions’

In a quiet corner of rural Vermont, 67-year-old Roger Whitman remains blissfully unaware that he is the last person on Earth without a smartphone. Whitman, who still uses a flip phone he bought in 2003, believes everyone else simply has an uncanny knack for navigation.

“They’re amazing, really,” Whitman said in an exclusive interview. “I’ll be sitting at the diner, and folks just seem to know how to get anywhere. They don’t even look at maps anymore! It’s like they have some kind of… sixth sense or something.”

Life Without GPS

Whitman’s daily life is an enigma to those around him. “When I need directions, I just ask someone at the gas station,” he explained. “Sure, sometimes I end up in the wrong town, but it builds character. Why rely on machines when you’ve got the thrill of getting lost?”

When asked about apps like Google Maps, Whitman looked puzzled. “Oh, you mean those fancy computer things people stare at all day? Nah, I don’t need one. I’ve got my trusty atlas in the glove compartment. It’s been there since 1998. Still works fine.”

Social Media? Never Heard of It

“People keep asking if I’m on ‘the Gram’ or ‘Tick Tock.’ I don’t know what those are, but they sound like candy bars. I like candy bars,” he said.

Instead of spending hours scrolling through endless feeds, Whitman enjoys hobbies like birdwatching, whittling, and wondering why his grandkids never call. “I don’t know what they’re so busy with,” he mused. “Probably all that internetting.”

Modern Life Through Whitman’s Eyes

Whitman’s perceptions of modern technology are hilariously outdated. He believes people check their phones so often because they’re worried about getting important calls. “They must have a lot of friends. Or maybe telemarketers?” he speculated.

As for texting, Whitman thinks it’s “like Morse code, but with your thumbs.” He boasts that he can type “yes” or “no” on his flip phone in under 45 seconds. “Sure, it takes a while, but it’s worth it for the personal touch,” he said.

Community Reactions

Locals in Whitman’s small town describe him as a “living fossil.” “Roger’s a great guy,” said waitress Karen Miller. “But he once asked me how people know when the weather’s going to change. I told him about weather apps, and he just said, ‘Pfft, sounds like cheating.’”

Teenagers in the area have taken to calling him “Retro Roger” and occasionally prank him by sending group texts he can’t open. “I think it’s hilarious,” said 15-year-old Dylan Carter. “But honestly, I kind of respect the guy. He’s living in the past and doesn’t even care.”

A Dying Breed

Experts say Whitman’s kind is rapidly disappearing. “He represents a simpler time when people used landlines, read paper maps, and didn’t have 24/7 access to cat memes,” said sociologist Dr. Elaine Bennett. “Frankly, it’s astonishing he’s made it this long without caving to the pressure.”

When asked if he might consider upgrading to a smartphone, Whitman was adamant. “Why would I? What happens when those things stop working? I’ll still have my flip phone, and they’ll all be lost. Who’ll be laughing then, huh?”

For now, Whitman remains a relic of a bygone era, navigating life without Wi-Fi, apps, or the ability to stream videos of cats falling off furniture. And while the world moves ever further into the digital age, he remains unfazed.

As Whitman put it, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And if it is broke, well… maybe ask someone for directions.”

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