Congress Agrees on Bipartisan Bill to Ban Agreeing on Anything Else

In a rare display of unity, Congress has come together to pass a groundbreaking bipartisan bill—ironically, to ensure they never agree on anything ever again. The “No More Agreement Act of 2024” sailed through both the House and Senate with overwhelming support, marking the first time lawmakers from both parties have set aside their differences since deciding what snacks to stock in the Capitol break room.

“This is a monumental day for democracy,” declared Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, standing shoulder to shoulder with Minority Leader Mitch McConnell in a brief moment of harmony. “For too long, we’ve risked consensus. Today, we’ve decided enough is enough.”

Key Provisions of the Bill

The legislation lays out strict guidelines for future congressional behavior, including:

• A Moratorium on Compromise: Any attempt at bipartisan cooperation will result in immediate expulsion from Congress. “We can’t have unity running rampant in these hallowed halls,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “That kind of recklessness is un-American.”
• Mandatory Partisan Filibustering: Senators will be required to filibuster every bill, regardless of its content, “to keep the spirit of disagreement alive.”
• A Federal Deadlock Commission: A new agency will oversee gridlock levels to ensure the government is sufficiently dysfunctional at all times.

Historic Agreement on Disagreement

The bill passed with near-unanimous votes, with the only dissent coming from Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, who objected on the grounds that it might accidentally unify people against her. “I cannot condone any action that brings this country together, even briefly,” she said in a heated press conference.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez praised the act as a step toward transparency. “At least now, the American people know exactly what to expect: absolutely nothing.”

Reactions from Across the Nation

The American public, long accustomed to gridlock and partisan bickering, seemed largely indifferent to the news. “I thought they already passed this law years ago,” said Sandra Parker, a frustrated voter in Ohio.

Political analysts have noted that the bill’s passage marks a significant cultural shift. “For decades, Congress has been accidentally finding common ground on mundane issues like renaming post offices,” explained Dr. Martha Klein, a political scientist. “This bill eliminates that risk entirely.”

What’s Next for Congress?

Following the bill’s passage, lawmakers celebrated by immediately disagreeing on its implementation. “It’s unconstitutional!” shouted one Republican senator. “It doesn’t go far enough!” countered a Democrat.

Meanwhile, President Biden is expected to sign the bill into law, though some reports suggest he might veto it just to avoid giving Congress the satisfaction of agreeing with him.

In the end, the “No More Agreement Act of 2024” might just be the one thing everyone can agree on—at least until they argue about how to repeal it.